My New Dutch Friend

vs.



For over a decade, Oliver has established himself as my Dutch friend. His reign has been largely unchallenged. No longer.

Ruben Martin has emerged from relative obscurity to rally for the title of Tom's Dutch friend. But how does one determine who is the better Dutch friend? Geographic separation prevents a Thunderdome-esque competition ("Two dutchmen enter, one leaves."). As a consequence, I am forced to evaluate the two firstly on their Dutch merits and secondly on the characteristics I look for in a friend.

Listed below is a 12-round competition pitting the two against each other.

Ruben / Oliver
1 Born in Holland / Born in Holland (Winner: Tie)
2 Can speak Dutch / Has heard Dutch spoken (Winner: Ruben)
3 Mother is Dutch / Father is Dutch (Winner: Tie)
4 Is not a Dutch citizen / Is a Dutch citizen (Winner: Oliver)
5 Has a Dutch name that is also a sandwich / Middle name is Jasper (Winner:Tie)
6 Happily married / Happily dodging commitment (Winner:Ruben)
7 Homeowner / Renter (Winner: Ruben)
8 Been described as a "stand up guy" / Been described as a "low-life piece of sh*t" (Winner: Ruben)
9 Lives in Seattle / Lives in Europe (Winner: Oliver)
10 Visited Amsterdam / Visited Amsterdam with me (Winner: Oliver)
11 Watches UFC / Watches "To Catch a Predator" (Winner: Tie)
12 Thinks superheros are childish / Has considered naming his first born Peter Parker Thomassen (Winner: Oliver)

The final tally is, unfortunately, a tie. Both possess Dutch characteristics and qualities that make them strong friend material (inclusive of Oliver's occasional defects in morality). And despite the fact that neither were aware that they were in a competition for my friendship to begin with, I am certain that both will take this to heart and step up their efforts to be my friend.